my brain is hanging upside down

Hello, Im back at it. At this unearthly hour. Actually its not really an unearthly hour, but it is a rather odd time to be blogging. Oh well. Here goes. Welcome to the depths of my mind, yet again. This time we're only going to skim the surfaces of my thoughts on the current happenings of my life.

Well im pretty excited about the upcoming confirmation camp. Starts on monday and ends on.. wait i have to check my calendar.. wait im too lazy to get it. damn.
I hope the camp will be as good as the one I had last year... only I bet it'll be a few hundered times more meaningful. To all of us, I think. We've grown up a bit, understand God a bit better. But I still dont know why the hell were all here. Ive got lots of questions to ask God.
Anyway we've been through alot this year, my church friends and I, and I hope this camp will not only strengthen my relationship with God but also with my friends. It's weird to think a few months ago I hated them, now Im gonna go through one of the most meaningful church camps in my life with them. Beats me how we lived off this love-hate relationship for so long.. every year there was something amiss, some problem or whatever. I hope this camp will somehow change this... by maybe changing us...

Anyway I went to the third place gig on the 25th.. Caracal was so good, I love that band. It was also 4th Avenue's last gig. They were pretty awesome too. Got me stoked. (heh there u go, priss) I thought the screamer for the first band was rather good too, though I dont really dig those kinda songs where all they do is scream and scream the whole song... its insane.
Its like they give an intro to the song, tell us that its about something then suddenly its just noise and screaming. Totally insane. I dont get it. Maybe Im just too fucken dumb, huh, sir?

Sigh I wish my band was more... together. I wish we were all best friends. Now were just like, band mates. Just buddies. Who get together a few times a week. Thats all. Nothing much to this. I wish Gary was like, more like us......... Brendan, Irwin and I have confirmation on the 4th of dec, and Priss's party gig is on the 9th, leaving us 5 days. Im scared. We're gonna make complete asses of ourselves on stage again. again. dont we ever learn? why cant my band actually just look like a band? argh. K i shall not cry about my band this way. Its so unprofessional. But then again we all are. as in my band. not yours. or any others.

So much stuff. my brain is hanging upside down.

I want a new guitar. Truth be told, Quinsy fucken sucks.

Heh. why is it I go into blogger.com with absolutely nothing in mind then everything just comes out like this. And when I do want to write some stuff, my mind goes blank.

Well at least I can say im far better than I was before. Cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then.
But then i learned so yay.


So ive given up the thought of you and me
and dreams of how cool it'll be
Maybe you dont like music thats punk
Maybe you hated that I got drunk
So I guess I'll say I done
While I dreamt it was rather fun
But fuck it.
Whatever it is ill just move on
Im tired of waiting, all forlorn.
Cant lie to myself anymore,
This was really such a bore
Just a dream, a fantasy
the mere thought of you and me.

alright thats all bye, yay. seeyou peeps.
-Bongatron.

Everytime I look for you the sun goes down.

Hello. Back by marginal demand. My thoughts and feelings again. Yet another piece of the story of the lonely guy, that I'll look back and laugh at in time to come. Pangs of adolesence. I guess this is the time of life when everything starts happening. The realisations, the relationships, the relationships gone bad, the good times, the bad times, the o levels coming up, the band, the friends, the friends that stay, the friends that go, the list goes on.

Well. with an intro like that, what do you think's on my mind right now. Yeah, thats right. girls. lol. i suck. okay. we all know that.
sigh. I think i should just let it go. what do you think? why do I even care what you think? i dont know. Heh. if the only thing that matters is just following your heart, then whys it when you do follow your heart, everything else suddenly matters? Whys it that when youre comitted to someone, you want out, and when youre single you want otherwise. Why am I confused? Am I just better off alone? What the hell am I supposed to do about this? This has happened far too often to just shake it off as just another 'part' of my life, which is what i'll normally do. Maybe theres a lesson to be learnt. But what? I havent a clue. Should I just wait to find out? Or keep this in my mind, and let it just bother the hell out of me every day?
Am I just expecting too much? I wish you could make me happy. I guess I should just let it go, shouldnt I. I tried to look for you. When there was nothing left to do.
But all that I could find was just pieces of my mind.
Why am I such an asshole worrying about this? "oh man i like her but she doesnt want me" bullshit. Why the heck am I letting this take over my evening?
heh this is sooooo common.
right now i'll just like some security, some love and some inspiration.
I wish I knew what I was doing. Just waiting for that person. Doing nothing with myself. What's wrong with me? is there anything wrong with me? Do I still even like her? sheesh.
I cant wait till this episode is over, then I can look back at this and laugh.
But while Im still here, though, Im totally lost. Tsk. Amazing what they can do to me huh.

music: Giving up on love - The Ataris.

Story of a lonely guy

Hello party people. Its the holidays, the main reason for my irregular sleeping patterns and crazy diet of junk food galore. Holidays are unhealthy.
But then again, unhealthy is relaxing.
I went to the weekend trip gig. It sucked. I hate metal screaming. i dont like too much hardcore metal and all that stuff thats so hard on the ears.

Heh. my life is crazy. or rather my dad is crazy. hes like on some alternate personality routine now. one day hes really nice to me and gives me a late curfew, the next, im in deep shit for something i could have gotten away with the day before.

but screw my worries. why worry? life's like this. from now on ill just try to take everything as it is with as few questions as possible.

I love my family and friends.

hurray. im going jamming today. my band needs to bond more. ive got reason to be happy today. my tooth is fixed.=D

and im still waiting for
you to be the one im waiting for.

A Change Of Pace

Whoa. five minutes ago life seemed utterly boring. nothing going on at all. no smses coming in. no calls. even darling dear gay fag brudder irwin didnt call. coincidentally none of the sa suh bloody belas people replied any of my messages. im just their weekend friend i guess. they say theyre my friends but they never tell me what theyre up to and i have to find out from someone else. oh well.

then suddenly everything starts happening. wham. ive got sch dental appntment tmr at 9. but ive got work from 8 till about 2 or 3. i so badly want to get my teeth done for free cause they look like shit and ive got no money for your normal dentist treatment. ive got to arrange that now.
god damnit, my friends are now going to see harry potter on friday.
im supposed to be jamming on friday. you know how regoddamndiculously difficult it is to get my band together to jam? and now its like i cant jam if i go and watch harry potter. i want to do both. wth. argh. i feel like punching something. argh. so much to do. cheese pie. i hate times like this.


Where am I!? Where are you?
There's so much time so little to do
We're busy doing nothing cause it's vanity we prize.
You can't see nothing cause you can't see through your eyes.
They're covered with a film, you're blinded by yourself.
You're the one to blame but you pretend it's someone else.

Life could you be a little softer to me.
Life could you be a more gentle to me.
Softer, Softer, Softer, Softer to me


I'm still alive. That much is true
I've never lied, well, I guess I've told a few.
There's nothing to see because I brought nothing to show.
The coversation got too deep, I shrug and tell you I' don't know.
This world can get so hard, this world can be so cruel,
Sometimes I fall apart I feel just like a useless tool.

Life could you be a little softer to me.
Life could you be a more gentle to me.
Yeah I know this is a selfish plea,
Because Christ sacrificed his flesh
On the cross for me
But this world is hard,
It's cruel and I wish it could be...
Softer, Softer, Softer, Softer to me.

Watch The World

Hello everyone and welcome to my regoddamndiculous waste of energy and time.
Here goes another pile of crap worth reading again sometime so I look back and laugh.
Okay today well check out the world around me and my thoughts and feelings about new stuff and old stuff and new realisations and all that shit.

Today I watched a movie called exorcism of emily rose. It was kinda cool, with the flashbacks and everything. I always get a little paranoid a while after this kinda shows. God rocks though, thats what i realised after the show. God really loves you.

I think I should totally stop complaining and say, "I want this" and "I want that" and start looking at the things I already have. To be honest I dont really have much to complain about if I go about being optimistic like I once was. Ive got a lovely home and a loving family with not too many dramatic problems. Church is so nearby I take six minutes to walk there. What else? I have an air conditioned room to sleep in. In it, I have a soft comfy mattress. Next to it, a drumset and at the other end of the room I have dear Quinsy and a not too bad pedal. I have a working computer to use, a handphone and a tv with cable. I have awesome friends to rely on and weird cousins. I have a crazy band.

Woah thats alot. but i so totally could use more freedoms, more money, more time, more clothes, a new guitar, a new pedal, and the list goes on.

Am I starting to take things for granted? Damnit, I think I am. Hah. wth. Im so materiliastic.
(issat how you spell it?)

sigh. gone are the days when I blogged about how bad the world is and hammered my so called 'new breed of insults that i thought of myself and no one else thinks like this" that I so openly hurled at the world so generally. Now its time to look into myself instead of at everyone else. Well I guess its growing up. I finally realised that the world didnt suck, its just so full of opportunities far beyond my reach, or that I think is far beyond my reach. IM the one that sucks.
Gone are the days when I regarded the o level certificate as a mere 'piece of paper'. I guess Ive finally come to accept that the mighty peice of paper will gurantee the future. Hm. The retention issue shook me up enough for me to wake up, I guess. Ill start studying tomorrow. you all know what that means. sigh. tomorrow never comes.

Man. after my first week of actually working i realise how tough life really is. If youve got no qualifications and stuff. hoo boy. Now I realise what were studying for.

Im not materiastic! at least i hope not.
but everyone has their wants and stuff for a certain period of time and mine, for now, is
money, more freedoms and parents who trust me more.

Life goes by so fast, its like im 15 already. I dont believe it. christmas is gonna come then 2005 is gonna end. Just like poof, and its gone. And all you have is memories. geez. Im getting all sentimental now. sniff.
alright,
thanks for reading, guys, but why dont you turn to someone with a wacky sense of humour instead of my blog, cause mines far from entertaining, its purely for times of "self realisation". so boodgye. and come again. hahahah happy holidays!

hello, i lost my phone.

Hello friends. I lost my phone. One minute I had it, i thought i put it in my pocket but it landed somehwere else I think. Some fucker took it.. I know cause when I called it, it was off. So some fucker took it. Cheese pie....

So gimme all your numbers please? Im gonna get a temporary phone tmr. but my number wont change. so thats easier for you guys. just gimme all your numbers. haha k thanks people. bye.

oh what utter joy II

Hello friends, im back at it. Today is Tuesday. And I heard the most wonderful piece of news that lifted 70 percent of the sh*t off my back. I was thoroughly relieved and happy to tears when I heard that IM PROMOTED! yippie!

It seems that I really WAS retained, but my wonderful teacher helped me. Thanks, ma'am.

Now that that sh*t was over, the next deal was my parents. So I called my daddy after I collected my report book. We talked abit about my low down crappy sh*t results and my dad just decided to ground me only for a week! God. Thats wonderful. Like, only a week. I was expecting the entire holidays. Ill make use of this week, perhaps to catch up on stuff. Silly, aint it? After the entire year is over, I have to sit down and do it all over again in two months. How amazing.

Its still not my best of days. Ive had loads of better ones. Well life throws all sorts at me. And you. Just depends on how you handle things, I guess. You cant live life the way I did for the entire year. You cant be lazy, you have got to uh, strive for continuous improvement. I guess. Well I think thats kinda true in all aspects of life. (issat how you spell aspects?) I mean, youre always trying to improve in the thing you love most, may it be like the guitar or soccer or piano or drums or sports or whatever. And youre always trying to improve every other thing like clothes, looks, whatever. So I think it applies to studies as well. Cant stand still. All systems go.

OH yes and incase you peeps out there didnt know, my band, formerly known as the cereal killers changed our name to something slightly more meaningful and hopefully more power packed.
From now on, we are Sameoldifference.
Cheers to that!

Well. Thats that I suppose. Im a little more that useless, I guess. Im tired, grounded, have shitty results, different groups of friends, a liking for a girl I dont think ill get, weird hair, funny clothes, weird pastimes, eat weird food, too absorbed in my band and I dont contribute to society at all.
But I have my friends and family, my guardian Angel and above all, Jesus.

Well I guess this is growing up. Cheers.

oh what utter joy.

Hurray, what joy. ive come back from a four day holiday with brendan only to face the harsh reality that my slacking all year has brought me.
Smiled too early. Cried later.
Yes, damnit. Im a f**king failure. Im going to be retained. Im such a loser. im going to be fucking retained. I cant believe it.
You know when you keep telling yourself, 'no, it wont happen to me. it'll never happen to me.'
And then it does.
And it shatters you into tiny little pieces and hurles you everywhere.
I feel like such a loser. Im not good at anything, im a good for nothing piece of shit. what the heck can i do. im not exactly your mister rich guy. i dont have much money, i want everything, im no good at the guitar, im fucking lousy at studies, im lazy, im far from brilliant, im stupid, im of no use to anyone, i dont make people happy, i dont live for others, i give and lose things to others, so im a total failure and im of no use to the world.
what a cause for celebration.