The Narration and the Thought Processes
I can't sleep. Again. I've gotten myself into another routine that would be classified 'socially inacceptable' for reasons i cannot comprehend. Actually I can, once I look at it. My routine is seriously fucked up. Well its still a routine. that's the good part. but it's fucked up. That's obviously the bad part. haha, well no shit, right. If someone asked me to describe an average working day to him/her, I would have to begin a truly long winded narration as detailed as possible to truly bring out the boredom and agony of each day, which would begin as follows.......
"Work at pastamania's at 6 to 11 in the evenings. if im not working my morning job (which would require me waking up at 7.30am), i would wake up at probably 3 or 4pm, laze around in bed, have barely enough time to take a shower, put on my work uniform and swallow a cup of tea before heading out to take a bus which would bring me all the way to Funan, where work for me is. It's starting to become a chore, but what keeps me going is the fact that I'm getting money for what I do. I would proceed to have my 'staff meal' and what not before I start work proper. I would then be seen serving the restraunt's patrons their meals and clearing their sometimes disgusting leftovers. The closing procedure of the shop would commence at around 8.30 and I would proceed to do whatever I need to do. It's filthy to do the dustbin shit. Mopping with a mop that has a broken mop handle isnt fun and your back will tell you that. Work would be done by 11pm. I would walk out to the nearest bus stop where I can take 147 all the way home. Leon would then make my journey home so much bearable by giving me a call and having a wonderful chit chat session with me all the 40++ minutes that it takes to get back. Seriously, this time is the best time to talk with me on the phone now, since my life is so "hectic." (yea, the word 'hectic' is in inverted commas because well, yeah. it just is. see, other people are far more involved in countless more things than I am. Im really too used to the 'flake out' lifestyle. And Ive only had it for say, 2 months? So I would call this 'hectic.' Fuck, okay my mind is wondering again, causing me to go off topic. I am going to make this whole section that is off topic worded in brown so its easier for you to chose not to read this sad sorry waste of your fucking time. Okay I did it. yay! ooh, what good hand eye coordination I have. My fingers type exactly what my mind thinks, when my mind thinks it. For example.. "OH! chocolate. I want some. There's some in the fridge. But im too lazy to get it. I'll just sit here and continue whatever I am doing." Ah fuck la okay maybe my fingers are too slow. my fingers weren't exactly that fast, and whatever was going through my mind did not come out on this screen exactly when that thought was being processed. Probably a million other thoughts went through my mind when I was doing this, like, 'this really isn't working.' Okay I've strayed away from the topic. I was talking about my work and my routine, right? well you have learned a fair bit about how my mind works now. okay let me continue. Oh, i put a bracket in before I wrote all this, right? I'll complete the punctuation, good and proper. I will insert a closing bracket at the end, as so.) Okay! where were we. Oh right. "okay, I would come home at about 12 or something. After dumping my bag in my room, I would proceed to take a shower. Feeling refreshed, I would then go online, do whatever, raid the fridge, spend more time online, and then its suddenly 2am the next day. I would then decide to get some shut eye. I peel my eyes off the computer, drag my body to my room, dump myself on my bed or my couch, proceed to do what I set out to do, but even though I would be dead tired, I would not be able to get myself to sleep. After much contemplation of whether to move my sad sorry ass, I would finally drag myself to the living room where the internet is, to either go on myspace or chat, or do whatever, or in this case, update my blog. I would spend quite a bit of time here, and soon it would be 4 something in the morning. I decide to finally go to sleep, since I would be feeling slightly tired by that time. (I honestly dont know where I get my energy from) I proceed to again, peel my eyes off the computer, drag my body to my room, dump myself on my bed or my couch, proceed to do what I set out to do, but even though I would be dead tired, I would not be able to get myself to sleep. After much contemplation of whether to move my sad sorry ass, I would finally drag myself to the kitchen to get myself a glass of milk. by that time, it would be about 5-ish. I would then finish my glass of milk, head back to my room, lie down and close my eyes, hoping and praying (seriously) that I would fall asleep soon. I would then think about where I want to go now that I've successfully screwed up my O levels, and what I really want in life. Not what I really want to do, just what I really want." That in turn, I believe, would influence what I would do in life, to get what I want in life. Fuck, all we really want and ever need in life (not in order of importance) is simply sleep, good food, acceptance, love, friends and family. And that's me beginning get lost in thought. Again. Alright, back on track. "From there, I would happen to recover from my spacey state of physical being while my mind is furiously cranking it up when I hear my dad waking up for work, turning on the bathroom heater, walking to the kitchen, taking his towel, opening the fridge along the way to grab a bite of God knows what, and that would be the last thing I would remember."
And that would be an average working day for me.
This is, I suppose, a 'new chapter' of life, for me. I guess I've finally learnt the real meaning of 'cause and effect.' It's finally hit me. no, not just my mind, but its really hit me. Life really is what I make it out to be. I write my own future. I got to get off my ass and do things for myself in order to get things done for myself.
This whole thing has got me thinking about yes, you guessed it, God. I think about him a lot, even when im not that close to Him. Anyway, I was thinking. If life is really what you make it out to be, if and you truly write your own future, and if everything that happens to you IS really, ultimately, UP TO YOU, where the fuck does that leave this little thing called fate (that many of us have so much faith in), and where does that leave God and his, as you people say, his "Brilliant Plan?" If we all really did write our own futures, how the fuck does God's "Plan" for you come into the picture? What, God 'planned' for you to lose control and smash the car? What, God had it all 'planned out,' that you would have absolutely no self disipline, push studying all the way to the last minute and score badly for your o levels? Oh, God 'planned' for you to actually study hard and ace your o levels? Fuck, it was all you. If you did well for your o levels, it was your effort, not God's. Same thing if you fucked up your o levels. It was your fault, not God's. And dont blame "fate" either. Leave fate alone. Fate hasn't done anything for anybody. It was all us. This brings me back to what I said last year, about the big bang being some crazy coincidence, which would mean that the existance of man is indeed another freakish coincidence of the development of time. If this is all true, then man is really existing by chance. not by the will of anything. If this is all true, then the existance of man and everything we know is all a fucking coincidence. And that means that man has no value.If we have no value, then what the fuck are we living for? Yeah, well, what the fuck, then. Exactly. For God's sake, AND for the sake of mankind, I for one do believe that man does have value, and that we were all made for a reason. But the sad thing is, really, none of us knows this reason. Well, God supposedly knows. But why the fuck is God so discreet? Can't he see how fucked up the situation is now? People dont know the reason for their existance. Why doesnt God just fucking come down and fix everything, since he is as powerful and almighty as we think he is. Maybe he can't? Maybe thats why he created the churches. I mean he created the people who set up the churches. Why can't God just fucking do something. I'm not losing faith in God, because I still believe that he exists, simply because I believe that my existance is not by chance. Yes, God made me. Yes, he loves me. But what the fuck, man. I wish I could just fucking tell God, "Hey, look at the world. Do something. You're God."
But then again, if God were to 'do something,' the world wouldnt be this much fun. Hahah.... Amen to that? Well, yep, I think the world's pretty fine the way it is. Fuck it.
One question though; does God make mistakes? Or was it in his 'master plan' that the world would turn out this way. Was it in his plan to let the fallen angel, well, fall, and become Satan, or was it a mistake? Or was it in his plan? If it wasn't, and if the existance of Satan was indeed a mistake, that would totally fucking burn God's "100% perfect" image, would it?
Yup, ponder on that. Fuck, I logged into blogger at around 2am++, and It's now 4 something, 5 ish in the morning.... I ought to be turning in. Okay, Goodnight, world. Please bring me a more exciting work day. And I dont mean excitement during the working hours. Thank you.
"Work at pastamania's at 6 to 11 in the evenings. if im not working my morning job (which would require me waking up at 7.30am), i would wake up at probably 3 or 4pm, laze around in bed, have barely enough time to take a shower, put on my work uniform and swallow a cup of tea before heading out to take a bus which would bring me all the way to Funan, where work for me is. It's starting to become a chore, but what keeps me going is the fact that I'm getting money for what I do. I would proceed to have my 'staff meal' and what not before I start work proper. I would then be seen serving the restraunt's patrons their meals and clearing their sometimes disgusting leftovers. The closing procedure of the shop would commence at around 8.30 and I would proceed to do whatever I need to do. It's filthy to do the dustbin shit. Mopping with a mop that has a broken mop handle isnt fun and your back will tell you that. Work would be done by 11pm. I would walk out to the nearest bus stop where I can take 147 all the way home. Leon would then make my journey home so much bearable by giving me a call and having a wonderful chit chat session with me all the 40++ minutes that it takes to get back. Seriously, this time is the best time to talk with me on the phone now, since my life is so "hectic." (yea, the word 'hectic' is in inverted commas because well, yeah. it just is. see, other people are far more involved in countless more things than I am. Im really too used to the 'flake out' lifestyle. And Ive only had it for say, 2 months? So I would call this 'hectic.' Fuck, okay my mind is wondering again, causing me to go off topic. I am going to make this whole section that is off topic worded in brown so its easier for you to chose not to read this sad sorry waste of your fucking time. Okay I did it. yay! ooh, what good hand eye coordination I have. My fingers type exactly what my mind thinks, when my mind thinks it. For example.. "OH! chocolate. I want some. There's some in the fridge. But im too lazy to get it. I'll just sit here and continue whatever I am doing." Ah fuck la okay maybe my fingers are too slow. my fingers weren't exactly that fast, and whatever was going through my mind did not come out on this screen exactly when that thought was being processed. Probably a million other thoughts went through my mind when I was doing this, like, 'this really isn't working.' Okay I've strayed away from the topic. I was talking about my work and my routine, right? well you have learned a fair bit about how my mind works now. okay let me continue. Oh, i put a bracket in before I wrote all this, right? I'll complete the punctuation, good and proper. I will insert a closing bracket at the end, as so.) Okay! where were we. Oh right. "okay, I would come home at about 12 or something. After dumping my bag in my room, I would proceed to take a shower. Feeling refreshed, I would then go online, do whatever, raid the fridge, spend more time online, and then its suddenly 2am the next day. I would then decide to get some shut eye. I peel my eyes off the computer, drag my body to my room, dump myself on my bed or my couch, proceed to do what I set out to do, but even though I would be dead tired, I would not be able to get myself to sleep. After much contemplation of whether to move my sad sorry ass, I would finally drag myself to the living room where the internet is, to either go on myspace or chat, or do whatever, or in this case, update my blog. I would spend quite a bit of time here, and soon it would be 4 something in the morning. I decide to finally go to sleep, since I would be feeling slightly tired by that time. (I honestly dont know where I get my energy from) I proceed to again, peel my eyes off the computer, drag my body to my room, dump myself on my bed or my couch, proceed to do what I set out to do, but even though I would be dead tired, I would not be able to get myself to sleep. After much contemplation of whether to move my sad sorry ass, I would finally drag myself to the kitchen to get myself a glass of milk. by that time, it would be about 5-ish. I would then finish my glass of milk, head back to my room, lie down and close my eyes, hoping and praying (seriously) that I would fall asleep soon. I would then think about where I want to go now that I've successfully screwed up my O levels, and what I really want in life. Not what I really want to do, just what I really want." That in turn, I believe, would influence what I would do in life, to get what I want in life. Fuck, all we really want and ever need in life (not in order of importance) is simply sleep, good food, acceptance, love, friends and family. And that's me beginning get lost in thought. Again. Alright, back on track. "From there, I would happen to recover from my spacey state of physical being while my mind is furiously cranking it up when I hear my dad waking up for work, turning on the bathroom heater, walking to the kitchen, taking his towel, opening the fridge along the way to grab a bite of God knows what, and that would be the last thing I would remember."
And that would be an average working day for me.
This is, I suppose, a 'new chapter' of life, for me. I guess I've finally learnt the real meaning of 'cause and effect.' It's finally hit me. no, not just my mind, but its really hit me. Life really is what I make it out to be. I write my own future. I got to get off my ass and do things for myself in order to get things done for myself.
This whole thing has got me thinking about yes, you guessed it, God. I think about him a lot, even when im not that close to Him. Anyway, I was thinking. If life is really what you make it out to be, if and you truly write your own future, and if everything that happens to you IS really, ultimately, UP TO YOU, where the fuck does that leave this little thing called fate (that many of us have so much faith in), and where does that leave God and his, as you people say, his "Brilliant Plan?" If we all really did write our own futures, how the fuck does God's "Plan" for you come into the picture? What, God 'planned' for you to lose control and smash the car? What, God had it all 'planned out,' that you would have absolutely no self disipline, push studying all the way to the last minute and score badly for your o levels? Oh, God 'planned' for you to actually study hard and ace your o levels? Fuck, it was all you. If you did well for your o levels, it was your effort, not God's. Same thing if you fucked up your o levels. It was your fault, not God's. And dont blame "fate" either. Leave fate alone. Fate hasn't done anything for anybody. It was all us. This brings me back to what I said last year, about the big bang being some crazy coincidence, which would mean that the existance of man is indeed another freakish coincidence of the development of time. If this is all true, then man is really existing by chance. not by the will of anything. If this is all true, then the existance of man and everything we know is all a fucking coincidence. And that means that man has no value.If we have no value, then what the fuck are we living for? Yeah, well, what the fuck, then. Exactly. For God's sake, AND for the sake of mankind, I for one do believe that man does have value, and that we were all made for a reason. But the sad thing is, really, none of us knows this reason. Well, God supposedly knows. But why the fuck is God so discreet? Can't he see how fucked up the situation is now? People dont know the reason for their existance. Why doesnt God just fucking come down and fix everything, since he is as powerful and almighty as we think he is. Maybe he can't? Maybe thats why he created the churches. I mean he created the people who set up the churches. Why can't God just fucking do something. I'm not losing faith in God, because I still believe that he exists, simply because I believe that my existance is not by chance. Yes, God made me. Yes, he loves me. But what the fuck, man. I wish I could just fucking tell God, "Hey, look at the world. Do something. You're God."
But then again, if God were to 'do something,' the world wouldnt be this much fun. Hahah.... Amen to that? Well, yep, I think the world's pretty fine the way it is. Fuck it.
One question though; does God make mistakes? Or was it in his 'master plan' that the world would turn out this way. Was it in his plan to let the fallen angel, well, fall, and become Satan, or was it a mistake? Or was it in his plan? If it wasn't, and if the existance of Satan was indeed a mistake, that would totally fucking burn God's "100% perfect" image, would it?
Yup, ponder on that. Fuck, I logged into blogger at around 2am++, and It's now 4 something, 5 ish in the morning.... I ought to be turning in. Okay, Goodnight, world. Please bring me a more exciting work day. And I dont mean excitement during the working hours. Thank you.
posted by bong at 2:48 AM
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