the war of all against all.

I think too much. It's detrimental to my well being. Or rather, its detrimental to my happiness. Which could and would mean the same thing. If I had a numeric meter on the top of my head bearing a display of how happy I am at a particular point in time, it would display a negative number every time i get lost in my thoughts. Half of me wants to go on, thinking and arguing against myself about this and that. The other half posseses qualities that are quite the opposite. Right now, the other half just wants to hit ALT+F4, with the intention to head straight to bed promptly after doing so. And another bit of me is contemplating between sleep, and finishing another few chapters of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows." Yes, I am that slow, thanks to my sister, whom I am greatly annoyed at for having taken so long, but then again, I am as grateful as ever. It's a really good read. Pushing the book out the picture, yet another bit of me is arguing about this very argument, about how it's valid, valid to anything. And yet another bit of me, this annoying bit of me, is arguing about how these little 'bits' of me can exist, given that I stated earlier, how half of me was thinking this, and the other half thinking that, clearly leaving no extra 'bits' for me to have. Two halves make a whole. Then again, how whole am I? What's with this, these 'parts' of me, this half and that half, this bit and that bit?

God damn it, I seriously think too much.

Wait.

By some weird twist of mental events, I suddenly feel accomplished. Its like I found something. And I think I know what it is. I'll think as i type along......

Yes, there you go, it's me, happy-go-lucky on the outside, insecure on the inside, problem-ridden, lonely to a considerable degree, tongue poisoned with careless speech, highly insensitive, yet admittedly oddly caring, in a state of perpetual thought drowning, sometimes overenthusiastic to an astonishing degree, underenthusiastic at the wrong times, expressive and reserved; switching between the two in such a fluent manner, almost spastic...

Wait.

This wasn't the 'mental revelation' I had expected. To put it bluntly, it's making me feel even more shitty about myself than I already am. Being rather used to it, I could go on, but this is turning into degrating, almost destructive self-scrutiny.

I hate how my frustration cannot be rooted to a single problem, because it is a cumulation of many events.
I hate how I cannot help it. Or maybe I can?
I hate how I look at certain parts of myself as a different entity.
Writing to express your frustration sometimes doesnt do anything to help you vent it out, it merely acts as a reminder, and how in a few months, if everything does turn out better, i would be able to just look at this, and laugh.



Yea, sometimes it is very what-the-fuck.






give me gravity, give me clarity,
give me something to rely on.

the "last" show.

I just wanted to advertise for the show here, but short of simply doing that, hitting 'publish post' and promptly hitting ALT+F4 and heading straight to bed, I just had to pen (or type, rather) some stuff down about this.

Saying "it has been awesome" really won't do justice to anything, simply because this isn't just a "has been." This is gonna be our last show, but it isn't our last show ever. We're just gonna take a couple months break after this. It's been a thrilling story so far. I can't wait for the next chapter. AND TO WHOEVER SAID THIS - WE'RE NOT DISBANDING!

Okay that's all I really had to pen down. haha thankyew.


I'll leave you with an interesting convo with jem and, the actual ad. okbye!

Jem. heyro, wecrome to mugdanold's. says:
record everything that u play urself
Jem. heyro, wecrome to mugdanold's. says:
haha
Jem. heyro, wecrome to mugdanold's. says:
almost like masturbation
bong. tlak doong doong! says:
eww you dont record yourself masturbating!
bong. tlak doong doong! says:
jem is that what you do!
bong. tlak doong doong! says:
hahahhahahahahahhaha
Jem. heyro, wecrome to mugdanold's. says:
record every MUSICAL INSTRUMENT you play yourself
bong. tlak doong doong! says:
lol
Jem. heyro, wecrome to mugdanold's. says:
which is ALMOST like masturbation
Jem. heyro, wecrome to mugdanold's. says:
or kicking BONG'S ass
bong. tlak doong doong! says:
while masturbating
Jem. heyro, wecrome to mugdanold's. says:
yea
Jem. heyro, wecrome to mugdanold's. says:
that could work



if you can't see, um, here's the details.
"Singing Songs For The Soul"
Charity Concert-cum-Competition
Saturday, 25 August 2007
8 bands
5-9pm
@ The Arena (clarke quay)
tix at $12 (pre) and $20 (door)
simply hit http://myspace.com/ssfts for more!
or click around at http://myspace.com/trellaband

I know everyone's having prelims and what now now but we'd just really love you guys to be there this saturday. If your God-given grace has made you wanna go, I just ask a small favour: do come down early, like around 4, to settle your tickets and stuff to avoid complications. yep. thankyew and love to all, many many!

p.s. im hooked onto postbox's demo. theyre great, please check them out at http://www.myspace.com/postboxband if you have the time! Some of them are gonna be there this saturday and I dunno if they're selling their demo but if they are, do grab a copy. Highly reccomend it.

p.p.s. GET THE ATC EP ALSO OKAY! DONT STEAL MUSIC! http://myspace.com/amateurtakescontrol

one two

Sunday didn't really feel like a sunday but it was pretty damn good anyway. I'm damn happy for Adel la. Like finally. And his ep's on repeat on my wmp playlist and its been like that for the past two days. UNFORTUNATELY, the ep doesnt have 4207 but it's still very kick ass.

I'm trying to create this awesome playlist where you start with explosions in the sky, toe, atc, moving on to minus the bear, the lovesong, damiera....
whoa that's power packed la.

It's 2am on tuesday morning and I'm still thinking too much.
Dunno if it's me and my constant self loathing, but life has its moments when it just sucks.
I was stupid and had no discipline to do my o levels properly the first time round.
I keep trying to keep up with every one of my friends, till I dont have time for myself.
Or my family, even.
And mw, thanks for making this 'endavour' suck to the core.
My band is not having a very peachy time either, to top things off.
If you can't even agree on things then you shouldnt even be in the same band. But then again, everyone's different as is entitled to his/her own opinions. You can't have a perfect band where everyone wants exactly the same thing. It's a give and take. It's a collective effort. Sigh.
People whom you think were friends are somehow fucked up and it's sad. Its not just sad la, its fucking pathetic. i have nothing else to say.
I have a test and a presentation coming up in school as well and that's just damn fine, innit.
And Saf, I love you and im sorry for not going for that play. I know you dont need a 'i'll make it up to you' but how about ice kachang and a a few code breakers at your place soon? We both could use a little bit of this and that a little more regularly.

I need to chill but I feel guilty when I chill cause it's dubbed (by alot of people) as 'wasting time.'

ah fuck la, I just love wasting time. The problem with that is that the world doesnt allow you to do that.

I'm still so fucking juvenile la. I can't handle shit.

p.s. if you care about us:
-Trella's next show: acoustic set @ dxo(deafcon 5)
do come down if you can.
-Upcoming: 'ssfts' check http://myspace.com/trellaband for more. details will be posted soon. Please come down if you can. it's our last show before we take a much needed break to sort a few things out and to get some new material down. it's also a chance for us to win some money to fund the ep which we're planning to produce next year. support will be muchos appreciated, as you can see.

thank you. I love you all. Especially the ones who really do care, who are actually concerned for undeserving me. Thanks Ale, Saf, you guys are power la.
good night la.